I've been avoiding writing this post for a very long time, because the thought of trying to express everything into one conclusive blog post...it is a truly formidable task.
The incredible, unforgettable people I met and was lucky enough to call my friends and family....the challenges, many times difficult but sometimes humorous, of being a Chinese-American girl in Nicaragua...how I arrived, excited to experience the adventure of living in a foreign country, and left with tears streaming down my cheeks because it felt like I was leaving home..
For this, I am afraid that in my attempt to express this entire experience in writing, I will not only fail to capture the essence of something so life-changing and beautiful, but also could never fully fit it all into words. I fear that the words could never completely say what I want them to say, could never make you feel or understand what I would like you to feel and understand. It is an attempt at describing the indescribable.
But I suppose that is what writing is - an attempt to not only describe, but to create, to examine, to breathe beauty into the human experience, into our own individual experiences, comparably small to the universe but so immense to ourselves.
Although I was only there for three months, it felt immense. The depth of the relationships I formed and all the challenges I had to overcome made three months feel like a small infinity, a time in which I learned so much more about myself and the future I want than I would have if I went straight to college.
I learned how much I love communicating in Spanish, because it allowed me to meet so many different people and make new friends.
I learned that I really enjoy dancing.
I learned how it feels to be a foreigner.
I learned how to overcome new challenges on my own and now feel stronger and more capable than I did before.
I learned that we often make a lot of incorrect assumptions about people and places we know very little about.
I learned that it is possible to live life without air conditioning, hot showers, and the other luxuries we depend on and sometimes take for granted in the United States.
Most of all, I learned that I could be just as happy living in another country such as Nicaragua, because as long as your basic needs are met, happiness is a state of being which is independent of where you are and completely dependent upon your perspective and your relationships with others.
One of the most difficult things in life is leaving the people you love, especially when it is uncertain the next time you will be with them again.
My last week was filled with bittersweet goodbyes, going away gifts, farewell parties, and so many hugs. The amount of love I received was overwhelming.
However, I would like to think that this isn't goodbye. I could never imagine leaving it all behind forever, because I would also be leaving behind parts of myself: the parts that came to exist when I was there, that I left with each person I met and each place I visited. Parts which make me who I am today but also remain with those special people and places that they were created with.
A jumble of memories and moments:
The first time we met each other at Mateo's house, at Taller Xuchialt; the afternoons we spent painting the mural, and the nights we spent making blue paper flowers at the dinner table; the way you laughed at my hearty appetite; the week I was so sick, I stayed in my room and didn't eat for days; how you comforted me when I was missing home; the bad words you taught me (you know who you are) and the fun slang I couldn't stop using; hurrying to collect all the laundry when it started to rain; being invited to your wedding; dancing at your quince until 4 in the morning; searching for Joka all around the house; jogging together in the morning; teaching you how to make hummus; visiting your table at the central market; saying "adios" to you when I pass by your house; the afternoons we spent on the beach together; the weekend we spent in Granada; taking a bus with you to Somoto at 2am; becoming friends with you at the waterfall; learning sign language; dancing on the bus ride home from Managua; falling asleep in your rocking chair; running through the pouring rain; riding on the camioneta; complaining about our slow computers; our Spanish lessons together; playing piano in your rock band; our meetings at Doña Nancy's house; gazing at the stars; going to church; celebrating Thanksgiving; eating birthday cake on the beach; playing videogames; watching gigantona parades; having breakfast together; running from iguanas; boarding down a volcano; drinking cacao; taking walks with our crazy dog Baby; singing karaoke; laughing hysterically....
Giving you hugs and kisses on the cheek. Meeting your family.
Learning about your struggles.
Sharing in your joys.
Making wishes together.
From time to time, I revisit those stories in my mind. But the soul craves to be understood, and memories want to be shared. The stories I've written in this blog were an attempt to do so, in hopes that not only would you be able to share in my experience through viewing pictures, but also form a bridge of understanding between you and me that can only be forged with words. In this way, the memories will live on, not only in my mind and the minds of those who shared those experiences with me, but also in the minds of those who followed me on my journey through this blog. So to those who have been following along, thank you for appreciating these stories I have shared with you.
To my friends and family of León, I've missed you all since the moment I left. Thank you for being a part of my life and for making my time in Nicaragua truly unforgettable. There is a place in me where each of you belongs, and for this, my heart has grown bigger to accommodate all of your love. Most of all, thank you for the stories we have written together. I hope someday, when we meet again, we can keep writing more.
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